( for all that their country is a shambling corpse on its last legs, the answer is immediate, certain. whether she's the one capable of restoring it, brimming with new life, is another question entirely. )
I have to believe that there's a better future for all of us. One where Grisha aren't prisoners chained to the whims of a hateful king. Where Ravkan children aren't forced to put a rifle in their hands and march to their deaths.
( annoyingly perceptive. that's traditional of a prince, she supposes — never mind a prince aware of the machinations of his court, readying himself for the pecking of the vultures that had swiped his crown. alina still falters into a pause, discomforted by his easy observation. )
We're all drafted when we come of age. Even royal children are expected to serve. I was a mapmaker, before I was anything else. Assistant cartographer, Royal Corps of Surveyors.
would you draw me something some time? i'd like to see myself.
it's what you are.
i won't deny that dethroning kings can be necessary. it just wasn't necessary in my instance.( is that bias? it can be hard to tell. but either way, he'll die believing it. )
i wasn't trying to insult you. just stating semantics.
the people who took my crown are dangerous. they'll start slowly. vampires have years. but they'll start restricting humans even more than they already are. same with witches. wolves. everyone. they don't want to lead. they want to be worshipped. i've already witnessed. a whole town subsumed into a field of human chattel.
i will do better. i'll maintain what's been keeping Tenebrax functioning for over two millenia. it won't be perfect, but it'll be better than what the others plan.
they'll see the end of Tenebrax with their greed. i don't want that. i want what's best for the people.
Not if what's best for most people leaves the others to rot. Or do you believe Nikolai should let the fear of the people dictate all Grisha lives?
No, it isn't about your happiness. It's not the job of queens and kings to be happy. But maybe you should start considering what you can and can't stand to live with.
Before you wake one day to find you're just like every other king who came before you, too cowardly to take a stand on the things that mattered to him.
our world is dying. we have no sun. we have no moon. and someday, we'll have no world left.
i don't enjoy the system, i will grant that. but it's what has kept the most people possible alive for the longest time possible. it's not about witches or werewolves or vampires or humans and who is and isn't holding the power. it's about keeping everyone alive as long as possible.
this is my stand. if i have to be this, then i will be it for them.
It doesn't sound like you appreciate it. It sounds like you're talking to a child.
You call it life. It doesn't feel that way to me. It feels like you're giving them an existence that isn't worth living. Restricted and miserable, just like Grisha.
Stop making yourself out to be a martyr, Alexei. You're just another prince who failed the people who needed him to give them a voice.
no, it sounds like a man who wishes he could hold the same sentiments and can't.
what would you have me do? return the sun to the sky? bring back the lakes and the rivers? restore long deceased crops?
it is existence. and the other option is death. we are not at war with people, we are war with our planet. it is restricted because it has to be. there are not enough supplies to go around and there is no way for us to make more. we cannot import from other lands. there are no other lands. there is only us and what we have.
not everyone gets what they want but at least everyone in my country has a proper shelter, food, and drink to wake the next day.
( it sucks the helium out of her anger, gradually deflating like a collapsing balloon. there is no sun summoner to light the skies, in his world. no tidemakers to stir the shores. no materialki to fertilize the ground, force seeds to crack open and take root. there's only the dying heartbeat of nature, a darkness more encompassing than the fold.
still, she hates the taste of defeat in the back of her throat. how useless it feels, to bleat out: )
It's not right. Your world has magic. There has to be someone who could do something. Anything.
( .... he understands her response. he feels it deep in himself. something he's never wanted to voice out loud. because it's easier to beat himself into submission if he doesn't waste energy on things he knows won't work... )
i wish. maybe there will be one day.
i wouldn't be opposed to change if we had an answer. but i've been alive 200 years myself and not witnessed anything that gives me hope for change.
i really do want to just give everyone the best possible chance of survival.
i'm not sure what i believe. sometimes i do. sometimes not. it's also just easier to assign humanistic qualities to natural disasters.
the story goes that the sun loved the moon deeply. but she did not return his love. he chased her every day and every night she fled from him.
with time, the moon drove the sun to madness for want of her with no way to keep her. he chased and he chased and he chased until he was too fast even for her. then he caught her. begged her. pleaded with her. promised her all in his domain if she would just be with him always.
she did not love him. she would not stay with him.
and so he killed her in his anger. her blood bathed the earth in red. he collected it into a well that he hid deep beneath the earth so her light that would never shine again would be preserved in the peace of the dark.
( and too blighted with familiarity. forces destined to destroy one another. the obsessive prison of a powerful man's love. setting fire to the object of your desire, rather than allowing her to squirm out from beneath your thumb. no different than aleksander, who would make her the maiden in a minotaur's labyrinth, and call it a gift. a kindness.
nausea sloshes in alina's stomach, churning like seasick-waves. )
He never gave her a real choice. But I suppose a cage looks like love to powerful men.
What happened to their worshippers? They all died out?
it's not quite clear what worship was like and what happened to it immediately after the loss of our sun and moon.
but there were people who believed in it enough. humans desperate for whatever power the blood of a goddess would bestow upon them.
humans learned of the well where her blood spilled. so they studied and traveled and scavenged the location of the beautiful nocturnal fountain. then they tainted it with their dirtied hands and their venomous greed. so Nocturna gave them what they desired. power. hunger. blood.
And that's why your kind can't stand sunlight, isn't it? You're cursed to be weak to the same monster that killed her. It's poetic revenge. I might've done the same, if I found no peace even in death.
( if she wasn't convinced such greed led to the collapse of his world, a ripple of consequences like a stone dropped in a lake ... well. )
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( for all that their country is a shambling corpse on its last legs, the answer is immediate, certain. whether she's the one capable of restoring it, brimming with new life, is another question entirely. )
I have to believe that there's a better future for all of us.
One where Grisha aren't prisoners chained to the whims of a hateful king.
Where Ravkan children aren't forced to put a rifle in their hands and march to their deaths.
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We're all drafted when we come of age. Even royal children are expected to serve.
I was a mapmaker, before I was anything else. Assistant cartographer, Royal Corps of Surveyors.
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i am still sorry to hear you have a government that doesn't take proper care of it's people.
you talked of a prince before. Nikolai, i believe? do you stand with him?
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( self-deprecation alina starkov hours, as usual. )
Considering I helped him take the crown, I would say so.
Are you going to call me a usurper?
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it's what you are.
i won't deny that dethroning kings can be necessary. it just wasn't necessary in my instance. ( is that bias? it can be hard to tell. but either way, he'll die believing it. )
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( but more's the point: )
I know why Nikolai wanted the crown.
Why do you want yours returned?
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the people who took my crown are dangerous. they'll start slowly. vampires have years. but they'll start restricting humans even more than they already are. same with witches. wolves. everyone. they don't want to lead. they want to be worshipped. i've already witnessed. a whole town subsumed into a field of human chattel.
and ultimately, i want my revenge.
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And it won't be good enough for the people suffering under their rule right now, either. I should know.
You shouldn't be fighting for a crown because they'll do worse.
You should be fighting for it because you'll do better.
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they'll see the end of Tenebrax with their greed. i don't want that. i want what's best for the people.
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Passively maintaining your throne. Accomplishing nothing that will be remembered.
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but is he happy with it?
fuck... )
it's not about my happiness. it's about what's best for the most people.
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Or do you believe Nikolai should let the fear of the people dictate all Grisha lives?
No, it isn't about your happiness. It's not the job of queens and kings to be happy.
But maybe you should start considering what you can and can't stand to live with.
Before you wake one day to find you're just like every other king who came before you, too cowardly to take a stand on the things that mattered to him.
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but i don't have the luxury of chasing idealism.
our world is dying. we have no sun. we have no moon. and someday, we'll have no world left.
i don't enjoy the system, i will grant that. but it's what has kept the most people possible alive for the longest time possible. it's not about witches or werewolves or vampires or humans and who is and isn't holding the power. it's about keeping everyone alive as long as possible.
this is my stand. if i have to be this, then i will be it for them.
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It sounds like you're talking to a child.
You call it life. It doesn't feel that way to me. It feels like you're giving them an existence that isn't worth living. Restricted and miserable, just like Grisha.
Stop making yourself out to be a martyr, Alexei.
You're just another prince who failed the people who needed him to give them a voice.
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what would you have me do? return the sun to the sky? bring back the lakes and the rivers? restore long deceased crops?
it is existence. and the other option is death. we are not at war with people, we are war with our planet. it is restricted because it has to be. there are not enough supplies to go around and there is no way for us to make more. we cannot import from other lands. there are no other lands. there is only us and what we have.
not everyone gets what they want but at least everyone in my country has a proper shelter, food, and drink to wake the next day.
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still, she hates the taste of defeat in the back of her throat. how useless it feels, to bleat out: )
It's not right.
Your world has magic. There has to be someone who could do something. Anything.
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i wish.
maybe there will be one day.
i wouldn't be opposed to change if we had an answer. but i've been alive 200 years myself and not witnessed anything that gives me hope for change.
i really do want to just give everyone the best possible chance of survival.
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You could take what you need with you, if we ever find our way out.
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but admittedly, i am curious. it's why i'm reading about artemis and apollo. and anything else related to the sun and moon.
and why i nearly live in the library :)
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Part of you must believe your gods were once real, then.
How did they die?
cw: murder/suicide discussions
the story goes that the sun loved the moon deeply. but she did not return his love. he chased her every day and every night she fled from him.
with time, the moon drove the sun to madness for want of her with no way to keep her. he chased and he chased and he chased until he was too fast even for her. then he caught her. begged her. pleaded with her. promised her all in his domain if she would just be with him always.
she did not love him. she would not stay with him.
and so he killed her in his anger. her blood bathed the earth in red. he collected it into a well that he hid deep beneath the earth so her light that would never shine again would be preserved in the peace of the dark.
then he killed himself in his shame.
cw: murder/suicide discussions continued
( and too blighted with familiarity. forces destined to destroy one another. the obsessive prison of a powerful man's love. setting fire to the object of your desire, rather than allowing her to squirm out from beneath your thumb. no different than aleksander, who would make her the maiden in a minotaur's labyrinth, and call it a gift. a kindness.
nausea sloshes in alina's stomach, churning like seasick-waves. )
He never gave her a real choice.
But I suppose a cage looks like love to powerful men.
What happened to their worshippers? They all died out?
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it's not quite clear what worship was like and what happened to it immediately after the loss of our sun and moon.
but there were people who believed in it enough. humans desperate for whatever power the blood of a goddess would bestow upon them.
humans learned of the well where her blood spilled. so they studied and traveled and scavenged the location of the beautiful nocturnal fountain. then they tainted it with their dirtied hands and their venomous greed. so Nocturna gave them what they desired. power. hunger. blood.
and that's how vampires came to be in our world.
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You're cursed to be weak to the same monster that killed her.
It's poetic revenge. I might've done the same, if I found no peace even in death.
( if she wasn't convinced such greed led to the collapse of his world, a ripple of consequences like a stone dropped in a lake ... well. )
Is it rude to ask how you were made?
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